Donor Egg Disclosure- The Great Debate
Phyllis Martin, M.Ed., LPC
Whether and when to tell a child conceived through donor gametes about how they were conceived has been a heated topic since 1984, when the first donor egg baby was conceived. As a counselor specializing in infertility, and specifically in donor egg, I've heard every potential donor egg recipient ask me "should I say something, to whom, when and how?!" If you have ever participated in online discussion groups, you will see supporters at both ends of the spectrum fighting their fears and each other by asking if the child's right to know is greater than the right of the parents to privacy. Over the years, the debate has shifted from secrecy to a more open public discussion.
Fear and protection are the two main motivators for parents to keep their method of conception to themselves and not disclose to anyone, including the child, that donor gametes were used. The fears are numerous. Parents worry that their angst and grief will pass to their child when they disclose. They fear that the grief over the genetic loss will make a child feel second best. They worry that the child will not feel part of the family or will not view his/her parents as "real" parents. The most pervasive fear tends to be that disclosure will open their child up to potential judgment, teasing, ridicule and, therefore, emotional turmoil. Some parents worry that disclosure could even result in some sort of parental rejection by the child. Mistakenly, they assume that the painful rollercoaster of infertility will never subside and that by telling a child of his/her conception, the pain will return in its full force and the parents will feel loss again, as well as burdening their child emotionally.
Some parents decide that they will remain silent until the child is an adult and better able to understand the concept and their decision, while having enjoyed a normal childhood.
Others intend to keep conception a private matter and try to ensure that a donor has the same blood type as the mother and that the physical characteristics are as close as possible to her as well. Some of the reasons for these choices are religious, familial, or cultural.
The second school of thought is to disclose their origins to the child. Parents who choose disclosure often say that "the child has a right to know", "I would want to know" and "I could not keep something like that a secret". These parents have a general sense that secrets in families can take on a life of their own and become damaging. They see the press accounts about some adoptions and other experiences and realize that when conception information is withheld, there is a sense of betrayal, anger and turmoil as adult children try to make sense of their history and selves.
Within the disclosure group, parents are usually confused about how and when to proceed. In my experience, there are some basic rules of thumb. First, keep the number of people who know your conception story small until you know how you plan to proceed. This will keep you in control of your information and minimize worry that someone will make a comment to your child too soon or in a manner with which you are not comfortable. Second, think about your own feelings about using a donor and what you would want to tell a child. Think of the positive aspects of why you chose a donor. Third, think about at what age you would want to disclose to your child and why. Are you telling him/her what hardship and misery you went through and how this was not a first choice or are you telling her how you tried and tried and are so thrilled that there was a process that could allow you to be his/her mother?
Some parents opt for explanation right from the beginning and tell their infant his/her conception story. While an infant cannot comprehend anything about this topic, starting early and repeating it often allows parents to practice their story and shape it into a comfortable story that the child will grow up having always known. This model is based primarily on adoptive families and we have seen the benefits in adult adoptees. Rather than feeling betrayed or labeled, these adoptees report always knowing. They do not recall a big discussion, but know it is part of their history.
Others wait until a child is old enough to understand reproduction and privacy -- generally when they are between eight and ten years old. Discussion may begin because a child asks questions about reproduction or where he/she came from. It may occur because the parents do not want to wait too long and risk avoiding the topic or having a teenager question his identity because he or she just found out and feels shocked. I do not recommend waiting until a child is a teenager or a preteen, as the main developmental task at this stage is to break from parents, gain independence and discover one's self. Adding a conception story at this stage that makes a teen different from peers, could cause the emotional turmoil so many parents worry about.
Each developmental stage requires age-appropriate language. I recommend that parents do not personify the anonymous donor or refer to her as someone in a parenting role ("other mommy", "egg mommy") and use the words "helper" "nice lady" or "donor" instead. This highlights the point that these donors have generally donated on condition of anonymity and their rights and contractual understanding need to be respected. The same rule applies for a known donor, when clear boundaries must be discussed before even proceeding with a donor cycle to ensure that each woman is very clear about the role, if any, she will have in the child's life.
Whatever you decide to do regarding disclosure, proceed slowly and understand that talking about using a donor is not a one time conversation, no matter what type of discussion you plan to have. If you do not intend to tell your child of his/her conception, it is important to ask yourself why and what will you do should something force the issue to be known.
Finally, donating an ovum does not make one a mom or mother. The definition of mother is defined by the role a woman has with a child. Adopted families understand that they are the parents. Parenting is not dependent on the genetic contribution, instead it is the lifelong doing, nurturing, loving and emotional support that parents provide.
Phyllis Martin counsels infertility and donor egg patients and prospective patients at the Genetics & IVF Institute in Fairfax, Virginia.
Whether and when to tell a child conceived through donor gametes about how they were conceived has been a heated topic since 1984, when the first donor egg baby was conceived. As a counselor specializing in infertility, and specifically in donor egg, I've heard every potential donor egg recipient ask me "should I say something, to whom, when and how?!" If you have ever participated in online discussion groups, you will see supporters at both ends of the spectrum fighting their fears and each other by asking if the child's right to know is greater than the right of the parents to privacy. Over the years, the debate has shifted from secrecy to a more open public discussion.
Fear and protection are the two main motivators for parents to keep their method of conception to themselves and not disclose to anyone, including the child, that donor gametes were used. The fears are numerous. Parents worry that their angst and grief will pass to their child when they disclose. They fear that the grief over the genetic loss will make a child feel second best. They worry that the child will not feel part of the family or will not view his/her parents as "real" parents. The most pervasive fear tends to be that disclosure will open their child up to potential judgment, teasing, ridicule and, therefore, emotional turmoil. Some parents worry that disclosure could even result in some sort of parental rejection by the child. Mistakenly, they assume that the painful rollercoaster of infertility will never subside and that by telling a child of his/her conception, the pain will return in its full force and the parents will feel loss again, as well as burdening their child emotionally.
Some parents decide that they will remain silent until the child is an adult and better able to understand the concept and their decision, while having enjoyed a normal childhood.
Others intend to keep conception a private matter and try to ensure that a donor has the same blood type as the mother and that the physical characteristics are as close as possible to her as well. Some of the reasons for these choices are religious, familial, or cultural.
The second school of thought is to disclose their origins to the child. Parents who choose disclosure often say that "the child has a right to know", "I would want to know" and "I could not keep something like that a secret". These parents have a general sense that secrets in families can take on a life of their own and become damaging. They see the press accounts about some adoptions and other experiences and realize that when conception information is withheld, there is a sense of betrayal, anger and turmoil as adult children try to make sense of their history and selves.
Within the disclosure group, parents are usually confused about how and when to proceed. In my experience, there are some basic rules of thumb. First, keep the number of people who know your conception story small until you know how you plan to proceed. This will keep you in control of your information and minimize worry that someone will make a comment to your child too soon or in a manner with which you are not comfortable. Second, think about your own feelings about using a donor and what you would want to tell a child. Think of the positive aspects of why you chose a donor. Third, think about at what age you would want to disclose to your child and why. Are you telling him/her what hardship and misery you went through and how this was not a first choice or are you telling her how you tried and tried and are so thrilled that there was a process that could allow you to be his/her mother?
Some parents opt for explanation right from the beginning and tell their infant his/her conception story. While an infant cannot comprehend anything about this topic, starting early and repeating it often allows parents to practice their story and shape it into a comfortable story that the child will grow up having always known. This model is based primarily on adoptive families and we have seen the benefits in adult adoptees. Rather than feeling betrayed or labeled, these adoptees report always knowing. They do not recall a big discussion, but know it is part of their history.
Others wait until a child is old enough to understand reproduction and privacy -- generally when they are between eight and ten years old. Discussion may begin because a child asks questions about reproduction or where he/she came from. It may occur because the parents do not want to wait too long and risk avoiding the topic or having a teenager question his identity because he or she just found out and feels shocked. I do not recommend waiting until a child is a teenager or a preteen, as the main developmental task at this stage is to break from parents, gain independence and discover one's self. Adding a conception story at this stage that makes a teen different from peers, could cause the emotional turmoil so many parents worry about.
Each developmental stage requires age-appropriate language. I recommend that parents do not personify the anonymous donor or refer to her as someone in a parenting role ("other mommy", "egg mommy") and use the words "helper" "nice lady" or "donor" instead. This highlights the point that these donors have generally donated on condition of anonymity and their rights and contractual understanding need to be respected. The same rule applies for a known donor, when clear boundaries must be discussed before even proceeding with a donor cycle to ensure that each woman is very clear about the role, if any, she will have in the child's life.
Whatever you decide to do regarding disclosure, proceed slowly and understand that talking about using a donor is not a one time conversation, no matter what type of discussion you plan to have. If you do not intend to tell your child of his/her conception, it is important to ask yourself why and what will you do should something force the issue to be known.
Finally, donating an ovum does not make one a mom or mother. The definition of mother is defined by the role a woman has with a child. Adopted families understand that they are the parents. Parenting is not dependent on the genetic contribution, instead it is the lifelong doing, nurturing, loving and emotional support that parents provide.
Phyllis Martin counsels infertility and donor egg patients and prospective patients at the Genetics & IVF Institute in Fairfax, Virginia.
posted by Kathleen, Contributing Editor at
2:20 PM
1 Comments:
One excellent book to help explain the donor egg process to a young child is “Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?” A version of that 24-page picture book can be viewed free of charge online at www.carolinanadel.com/donoregg
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